Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
