Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
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