rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
