I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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