What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
