Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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