sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
