i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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