I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
