either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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