Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
