I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
