i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
