i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
