Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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