Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
