have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
