That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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