yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
we made out on top of his cat.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
