I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
