i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
my being single is dangerous.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
