I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
