I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
