I want to stick my p in your. b.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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