You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
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My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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