Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
