we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
