We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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