I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i was born a porn star she said
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
