just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
And then my night got REAL pukey
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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