Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She bit a glass in half.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
