She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
