I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
27 People Confess The Worst Jobs They’ve Ever Had
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.