I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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