I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
