He asked to "fluff my boner.."
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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