Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
