the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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