I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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