My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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