Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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