dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
