totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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