i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
