Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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