I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
