Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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