Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
