i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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