You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
3pm strippers are depressing
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
