covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
