I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Randomize
