Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
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I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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