I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
