Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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