nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
