Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
