There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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