Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
