Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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