break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
