***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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