the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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